qtgirl

Yep, this plane was flying really high last week. It was one of the planes that does tricks, like swoops in the air and spins and all kind of stuff. This place was amazing.

Until today when it crashed and burned. After it got on the freaken scale. *I was good, I waited patiently for my weigh-in day and just started the habit of not weighing myself every day.

I KNOW I should not let the scale dictate how I feel, I know that it is a stoooo-pid piece of junk, but it does. I mean, it is the “measurement” of our progress, isn’t it. Or it is the TOOL most of us use to see if we are doing well.

And if that is the case, I’m not doing well.

And this hurts so much because I’ve been awesome this past month. I’ve worked my ass off. I’ve exercised, I’ve eaten really well, I’ve recorded every bite, measured every ounce and then, wow, at the end of the month I’ve lost a pound. ONE Little Pound.

All that work, all the effort, all that thinking, all those “no’s”. No, I won’t have that, I’m trying to eat well. No, I won’t have that, I’m trying to eat well.

I even came home at 11pm, tired and still did my exercise. I’m trying so hard.

And so, the reason that tears are running down are running down my face as I write this blog, is because I’ve put what feels like 110% in this month). I’ve really given it my best, and it feels like my best is just not good enough.

And I feel like giving up right now, I do. I won’t, but that is how I’m feeling.

I wish I had lots of indulgences to blame my slow progress on. Like eating out lots or drinking booze (not a single drop all month), or these big mess ups here or there. But I don’t. So it just feels like. “If I’m doing everything right. If I’m doing what THEY SAY…all the hundreds of books and articles I’ve read (literally hundreds). WHY, WHY, WHY is this not working?

I felt like I got it right this time. I felt like I finally figured this out, like the curtains had opened and I could see the bright sky that had been hidden for me for so long.

I know this is probably just a set back, sigh*, I know it will come. And I know what I would write to one of you if you posted this. But right now, I just have so much hurt and disappointment welling up. I guess I just need to sit with it and let the tears drip into my untouched, getting cold, green tea.

And then, when I’m done. Eat a healthy breakfast, workout and just keep going.

Thanks for listening.

Hey buddies,

Well, I’ve been looking at my diet and my long plateau and wondering what’s going on. I’ve been exercising more, eating well and whatnot. And so, I realized that maybe I’m not eating enough.

Michelle, the saint, has been helping me out and recommended a varied caloric intake for the week. Today was supposed to be 1950. I’m at 1250 and it’s 10 pm. Thing is, I’ve been eating tons. I mean, I have been a lean mean fat-fighting machine and found ways to cut the calories in tons of food, but it’s crazy.

Here’s what I ate so far today:

Breakfast: Whole Wheat Eng Muffin, Egg Beaters Omelette and slice of Ham (apx. 180 cal)
Lunch: Chicken Breast (2oz), Green Beans, Broccoli, half a potato, carrots (apx. 138 cal) Oh yeah, then dessert. Strawberries 6, and 3/4 of a skinny cow ice cream sandwich (137 cal)
Snack: Half a grapefruit and half a toasted (whole grain) tomato/mayo (fat free) sandwich. (apx. 195)
Pre-workout snack: Herbalife Protien Bar (130 cal)
Dinner: 1.5 PC Blue Menu Chicken Sausages, 1 potato, steamed green beans and Broccoli (374 cal)
Treat: 1 Pot of Gold chocolate: (45 cal)

As you can see, this is a TON of food, I’ve been eating all day. And yet, only 1,219 cal.

Any tips on how to increase calories while still eating well, healthy and low fat. I mean I know that I can have another 6 chocolates and add lots of calories, but that is a bit silly.

And I worked out 2x today. Ahhh! I don’t want not eating enough to stop me from losing weight! Ahhh how frustrating.
First you eat too much and gain weight, now I can’t eat enough to lose weight. Is there anyway to win???

Well, thanks for listening to me vent.

I’m just writing a bit of an affirming blog for myself.
So far so good. I’ve worked out already, had a good healthy breakfast, some water, some fruit, lean protien and carb. I’m on track.

So, the question is, how can I keep this going until I go to bed tonight? How can I make my positive start continue on through the day?

Any thoughts?

Personally, I think that January is the best time to go shopping. It seems like all the great deals crop up NOW.
Yesterday I was on a mini shopping spree and got really discouraged. I was looking at some great designer wear, but I like it becuase it is good quality, I don’t care what name is on it. I have been in love with this skirt all fall, waiting for it to go on sale.
It was originally $100, then about 75, yesterday is was $48 (plus tax). They had my size and it looks really nice.

THE PROBLEM! I don’t think I’m going to be this size much longer. The skirt had embroidery on each panel so I don’t think it would work to take it in (sewing, tailor) later. AHHHH!!!

I’m excited and happy that I am on this weight loss journey, but feel like it’s such a waste to buy new clothes now!

BUT, on the other hand, I love new clothes. And I feel like I am punishing myself by having to wear my old stuff (I have lots, who am I kidding) until I lose weight.

And I think of all these books about loving myself as I am NOW.

I don’t want to buy the smaller size. I’ve done that in the past and it doesn’t work and makes me feel devalued, like the ME now is not worth anything nice. Also, how do you really know what you will look like at the size ____? Will that skirt still look good on you?

So, I compromised, bought a nice but less expensive top and some shoes (my feet should not change too much…right)?

But, even though I want to lose weight, I want the joy of buying nice clothes NOW! (I sound/feel like a sulky 3 year old right now). And I won’t think about the Godiva Chocolates that are on sale that I’m dying to buy (not part of my weight loss goals).

So, I guess I will have to wait until next January, or the summer sales and let this one nice skirt go. And I know there will be nice clothes still when I am thin.

Hey there buddy slim buddies. I just had a romantic night away with my hubby in a hotel and we were out today all day having a great time.

So now I’m home and catching up on things and getting ready for tomorrow. But, funny thing is, when I sat down at the computer, I wanted to log on here. I missed you guys. I missed the blogs, I missed reading about how people are doing and the connection I feel with many people on here, all on a similar journey with me. We each have our own path, but our struggles overlap and we can find understanding in that space where we overlap and face similar obstacles to battling our weight, relationship with food and health.

I’ve only been on Buddy slim a month or so, but I’m just starting to realize how much of a help it is for me. The times I’ve read posts and then worked out. Or read posts and went and made a good healthy snack, instead of what I was craving. Just reading and sharing our journeys and struggles does help, at least it helps me.

So, I had a great weekend (let’s not talk about food though….pizza for dinner). But, I’m happy to be back and starting a new week, together, supporting each other.

Thanks for listening. Samantha.

Well, I got some “stuff” done, so that was good, but my diet seems a bit de-railed.

I didn’t work out today, and I was doing so well. I worked out on Tuesday 1x and then on Wednesday 2x, but today, well, I just kept putting it off and now it is 1:30 am.

Sigh*

I wouldn’t say I had a terrible day with food or anything, overall I ate pretty well. But I opened a box of chocolates from Christmas (you have to give me credit for waiting this long) and I had two of them. Overall, not so bad, but I don’t know. It just makes me feel like I’m losing steam and heading in the wrong direction.

And the funny thing is, it’s 1:30 and my stomach is growling. Why? I feel like I ate more than I should have today.

I’m also worried. I feel like I am getting a weird relationship with food. I used to have an eating disorder many years ago, and so much body hatred it was insane. But I healed that. At least, I thought I did.

Tonight I had a few boiled potatoes with dinner. A healthy dinner on most accounts. Broiled Chicken Breast (no skin), Steamed Carrots and a few small bits of broiled potatoes. But, as I was eating it, I couldn’t help think about how much calories are in potatoes and the GL and GI and all that other shit.

I mean, what the hell is wrong with me that I feel like I’m cheating on my diet eating steamed carrots and potatoes? What’s left? I’ve read so many bloody nutrition books my head is spinning. I was correcting my diet group leader on the calorie intake and protein grams of foods for Pete’s sake.

It was almost a month since I had done my measurements so I did them today. Not much of a change. Boo!

I read all the posts on here, so many people being successful and I think. What are they doing? What am I not doing. “On paper…I’m doing everything right”.

Am I not eating enough (average 1200 a day)? Am I eating too many high GL foods (the odd potato or carrot)? What’s going on. And WHY, WHY, WHY does it feel so hard. I mean, it’s just food. Does it have to be so bloody difficult.

Sigh*

Sorry for this rant. I guess I just wanted to get this out. And I know tommorow is a new day, and new start. And I have lost 8 lbs so far (Since Dec. 2nd). But, if I’m doing everything “right”, why am I not getting any results?

Thanks for listening.

Well, yesterday I pledged to workout today, and I just finished. I did a 30 min cardio workout.

I’m so happy that I did not let another day pass and not workout. I will workout again tomorrow too, I can do this.

I also did something else. I wrote another 2 chapters in my book. In September, I took some time off work to write a book and frankly I have been sucking at it, not writing at all. But now, today marks a new beginning. I wrote, I worked out, and I even did the dishes. And I’ve eaten really well.

Awesome!
I’m so happy that I was able to make today work.
And I hope tomorrow goes well too. Thanks to those of you who have been supporting me and cheering me on. I’m so happy I found this blog, it really does help. Reading about those of you who love working out, helps me want to be there again too. Reading about those of you struggling, makes me feel less alone in my struggle.

We can do this together. 2009 is our year!

Well, things have been going okay on the eating front. A lot better than I would expect actually.
The last few days have been a bit harder, I’m really craving something other then chicken breasts and steamed broccoli. Don’t get me wrong, I have been eating quite varied but that is the “easy meal” that I make.

My weight seems to have stabilized which is quite frustrating. I’ve only lost 8 lbs and I’ve been really good with the eating for the past month. I know 8 lbs is good, great, on target, but I guess I am just getting impatient.

That said, Tomorrow I am going to work out. I used to work out lots, it was the food thing that I could never get under control. Now it seems to be the opposite. I can’t win!

But, tomorrow I will workout. I have been working out here and there, but more like once a week if I’m lucky (and I’m not even working much right now. NO EXCUSES!)

So, Tomorrow it is diet buddies. I pledge here. Tomorrow I’m going to exercise, cardio and weights. And then again the next day. It begins NOW!

Any support or help is great. Did some of you see a real difference in your weight once you started exercising, is this the missing link?

Well, I’ll keep you posted!

I am feeling pleasantly optimistic about 2009, this is going to be a great year. 2008 seems to have been tough for a lot of people, myself included. But, this is the metaphorical fresh start.

I’ve been on this site about a month and lost 6 or so pounds. But, of course, I just gained 2 back over the last week…Christmas craziness. I was careful however, so I guess it could have been worse.

There is a direct correlation, when I stopped logging on, when I stopped tracking my calories, reading posts, etc, I gained weight. This does work and now I’m BACK and I’m staying!!!

One thing I have been doing, is just giving my self little pep talks and fantasizing about what I will look like this summer and how far I am going to get this year. AND, this is the last time, THIS YEAR, 2009 is the one where I will finally gain control over my weight for good!!! Time for some new issues baby, cuz this one is going down!

This year I am going to heal my relationship with food and nourish my body.
This year I am going to exercise to take care of myself, not as a punishment.
This year I am going to finish the book I am writing.
This year I am going to keep organizing and sorting my life and home out.
This year I am going to reach my goal weight.

These are my resolutions, my goals. I can’t wait to write here next year and have been successful!

I hope all of you have a great 2009 and that together we can support each other in achieving what we all need to achieve.

Best wishes and blessings to you all!